I feel like spontaneity is only something children can have. Or young people in general. There are not very many adults that can forego overthinking every little thing they are going to do without imagining the responsibility that goes with it. It is either all or nothing.

For example, if someone is dressed up for a night out, they have this mindset that they are going to be a bit uncomfortable in their outfit, and do not plan do dance around having fun. They have to plan on being comfortable in order to have fun and move around. There is no in-between.

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Somehow I also found this in shopping. Looking at the average working woman’s income in the U.S.A. indicates that a majority of us cannot afford an $11,000 dress, yet those who can do not work. Because they married rich. (Nothing is wrong with this, and people assume I married rich all the time.)

You either are entirely responsible for a steady life and have to commit to a frugal lifestyle all the way with dresses that are less than $200. Where if you are married to someone who can afford for you to have fun, you can always have fun with zero worries. There is no in-between once again. 

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The weird part of the spectrum where there are women who can afford $500-$2,000 dresses on a regular basis is probably being a bit smarter with her money, working a higher competency career, and figuring out some level of success for herself rising to the top gradually. Dresses for those occasions never look like a $200 frock, nor do they look like an $11,000 gown. It is a strange place to be with not very many friends.

Watching Pamela Anderson’s Netflix documentary freed me from this worry. She could have monetised on a lot of small parts of her career, but never thought to do so. She was in debt her whole life, and never thought things through. I do not mention this in a negative manner. Quite the opposite. 

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She was genuinely living in the moment of wherever she was. Sure, she could have used some guidance for her finances, but this is not about money. It is about that thing in us consistently trying to control the outcome by manipulating every situation we come across. Sometimes, I forget to simply look up at the sky that is actually beautiful today. Instead, I was idling at my default, ‘I’m glad there’s no weather impeding my work today.’ 

Feeling the need to be productive all the time forces me from one extreme to the other. You can tell I am trying so hard to save the conversation from my husband making a gaffe. You can tell I wore the wrong shoes, because I was uninformed about the occasion someone briefly told me about. I hate not being enough and feeling the need to overcorrect. A majority of my life is not in my control, and in the places I do have control, I only focus on a small percentage.

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The detrimental parts are what I avoid, but should be directing all my attention to, however that is not how my life is going these days. I feel too controlling. Some people say, ‘They just want things a certain way,’ but even they do not get it. They are being polite, or they understand the surface level of how much pressure I put on myself. I am ten times harder on myself than everyone else around me. Those who are not even the most remote bit of tough surprise me. 

Perhaps negatively but it is refreshing every now and again. I was raised to have rigidly demanding standards having parents who were immigrants. I expect a lot from myself making something from nothing, because I was given much more. I did not have the chance to even not think about calculating. Every move has to have a purpose. I envy those who simply are. 

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