Every time I find myself looking for reasons to get mad at those around me, loved ones or strangers, I realise I am only upset at myself. My incompetence, lacking in a certain subject, or lack of practice in a field where I am dying to break into. Whether it be learning Hebrew, keeping up with cleaning around the house, or something as simple as keeping my home office neat. 

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I can take on all these big projects and turns grand responsibilities into being as simple as brushing my teeth, yet I prefer to do the difficult and monumental tasks first. It has been leaving a dent in my motivation and my cup feels underwhelmed with the wrong priorities. 

It is time to reset every week, and I find myself worrying more thinking about things and dreaming of the worst that could happen rather than actually accomplishing anything that could give me more positive results after the fact. Overthinking is a common misuse of time. 

One of my favourite quotes is,

Twenty minutes of doing something is better than twenty hours thinking about doing something.

I forgot

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This resonates so painfully as I hear my husband’s car back into the driveway. He is home, and I only got five things done today that were only supposed to be what I thought would be a half an hour or less each. Instead, one thing took hours, and I was pulling my hair out wondering if I was ever going to get out of this stressful situation.

‘It takes a village’, they say. Yes, it does feel good when other people help. But every conversation is monotonously unproductive as I express every detail that needs to be clarified. However, nobody understands what I am saying, so it ends up being more of a lecture, rather than a Socratic back and forth on methods to resolve this dilemma. Nonetheless, I keep moving forward on my own for now, until I can figure out a way to offer myself a simple, yet powerful mantra to live by. 

‘You can’t change the world, but you can change yourself.’ 

Jordan B. Peterson

It makes me think of that physics joke I heard years ago from one of my favourite professors. 

How many physicists does it take to replace a lightbulb?

Two. One to hold the lightbulb and another to rotate the universe. 

Ha.

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That is exactly how I feel right now. Very unsatisfied and wanting more from myself. Not even expecting more, but simply knowing I can do more and not doing anything about it. I know I have been dragging my feet on many things. It is what most millennials would call adulting. There is no such thing as adulting to me, because you either practice being a contributing and upstanding member of society or you are not. 

I have not been practicing anything lately. Getting sucked into Youtube videos as I lose my personality has been a put of despair and isolation towing me into the depths of hell. Lower than one of the demons trying to come back the terrestrial surface to falsely imprison another soul as despondent as mine.

Picturing that really made me laugh. I hope it did for you too. If not, get a sense of humour! Haha. The anguish will go away as it does now. Pleading to stay, because misery loves company. In this space, you will find that inspiration can come even from the darkest places.

At least I got to figure it out on my own, and acknowledge that I am the problem. Not everything else around me. To hold myself accountable, I even made a list, and share it with you online! Whether you are reading this or not, the notification for this post will be received in my email first thing in the morning at 7am EST, and I will see it in my email. This is about the time I awaken, and it will spark a light in me first thing.

1. Run on the treadmill for forty-five minutes.
2. Clean office. 
3. Study real estate for five hours.
4. Put on five outfits to take photos for Poshmark.
5. Clean the bathroom.
6. Cook dinner. 
7. Practice Hebrew for twenty minutes.
8. Do laundry.
9. Read for one hour.
10. Vacuum floor.

Here goes nothing.

Thank you so much for taking time to read the end of this post. I hope you find some inspiration in this and feel free to share with your friends as a free way to help my blog grow. Your support is endlessly appreciated. 

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